Christmas…… And The Dreaded “F” Word

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

was a stench like no other, and it wasn’t a Dead Mouse!

It was the dreaded Christmas “F” word…….

Fruitcake

Growing up in Mississippi there was lots of Fruit Cake. I still don’t know where they came from, and who was baking these things. But there were tons of them floating around the Mississippi Delta.

And for some reason the only person who liked to eat them was My Father. So every two days my Dad would come home from work with another Fruit Cake. He had many ways to enjoy them:

He would eat a piece for dessert. He would put a big piece in a bowl and cover it with milk for breakfast. he would toast a slice and cover it with Peanut Butter for lunch. Why not……he had an ample supply in the freezer which could supply his love and desire for Fruit Cake twelve months out of the year.

The Gross Insides of Fruit Cake

It never failed that every Christmas, he would force each of us kids to try it again. And each year we resisted until he insisted and we took a bite and pinched our noses to keep form spitting it out or throwing up in our mouths. We could not, and still cannot stand Fruit Cake. But for my Father it was like Christmas was every day of the year, and he had all the gifts he could open, because no one else wanted the Fruit Cake.

So in honor of my wonderful Dad who passed away several years ago, I have searched high and low for a tremendous Fruit Cake recipe that normal folks can enjoy. And this is it:

The “Royal” Fruitcake

Ingredients:
1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup Mike and Ikes      (bet you didn’t expect this)

1 cup Nestles Butterscotch Morsels

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

bottle of Makers Mark(Now we are talking)

Procedure:
Sample the Makers Mark to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Sample the Makers Mark again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the Makers Mark is still okay. Cry another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of Mike and Ikes. Mix on the turner. If the Mike and Ikes gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Makers Mark to check for tonsisticity.

Sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the Makers Mark.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

And Don’t forget the Pets!

Why do fruitcakes make ideal gifts? Because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them.

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